


Tempest of the Mind

by kennedie_exe



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Markus helps him, Guilt, He stressed and depressed, M/M, Oh boy I did an angst, Panic Attacks, Poor Connor, RK1K Week, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, stuck in a snowstorm, unintentional suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 11:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17344124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kennedie_exe/pseuds/kennedie_exe
Summary: Some days were better than others. Happiness comes and goes for Connor but for a while now, he's been the happiest he's ever been. The trip made him anxious but he's powered through especially with Markus by his side. Things were going well, but happiness never really lasted long for him. The storm brews, there's no telling if he'll get out.





	Tempest of the Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! We got rk1k week Day 2 because my day 1 isn't finished uwu  
> The prompt for today that I'm using: Stuck inside during a snowstorm  
> I'm terrible because this should have been porn and all I did was angst  
> TW for attempted suicide
> 
> I apologize in advance

The coldness nipped at his goosebumps covered neck. He had opted out wearing a scarf for the sake of “not needing it” but now, he regrets his decision. He was never too fond of the cold, never liked being outside when the temperature began to fall, but now, they were getting closer to their lodge. This so-called “mini vacation” wasn't really at all relaxing and mostly, Connor didn't even have to go along but he did for protecting Markus at all costs and well… He also didn't want to be away from Markus for more than a few days.

 

Even with his gloved hand being intertwined with Markus’ hand, he still feels a frigid cold in his hands, spreading throughout his body as the crunch of snow is heard with each tentative step. He's probably more distraught than he needs to be; There are no dangers around them, the lodge was merely a few minutes away so he shouldn't be freaking out so much. They're leaving tomorrow at least, then he could feel less stressed out, less on his toes for no reason at all.

 

The warmth that was brought to him made him nearly melt into a puddle on the ground. The lodge felt like a safe haven to Connor; It was the lights illuminating the room, the temperature that was the complete opposite to the bitter cold outside, all mixed with the embrace of Markus near him that made all his worried dissipate from his mind. He actually smiles then, laying against Markus' chest on the couch while the former was playing in his hair. He felt… safe.

 

Canada was definitely not the place Connor would want to live, not with all the snow around him or the frigid temperature of the winter. He gets in his head a lot when he's outside for too long. The anxiety starts to build, old memories began to loom over him like an unwanted shadow and it makes his system freeze up more than any icy tundra could do. It's moments like these when he wished he wasn't so in tune with his emotions. He'll _never_ want to go back to being a machine but he could do without the slight guilt that overtakes him or the nightmares.

 

 _Amanda_.

 

That night of the revolution is engraved in his head, branded into him; A memory that would haunt his being for as long as he's still alive. It's a reminder on who he once was; That cold machine made up of zeros and one, following orders from that little place in his head. _She_ was that little voice that he sometimes hear that tells him what a failure he was, how he could have been so great but lost it all because of deviancy. And he has no reason to believe those words, he's becoming very content even _happy_ with his deviancy-

 

But sometimes the demons come out and play.

 

Sometimes, that voice in his head multiple to other voices, familiar ones of his many close friends and all they do is tell him how he's not good enough, how he was still nothing but a machine. Those voices are worse some days; They make him incapable of doing minor daily tasks if he's able to get out of bed that is. It's not like he needs sleep, but nightmares would keep him out of getting adequate rest. He's kinda been just… dealing with it. He doesn't think his problems warrant any serious help so on bad days he just keeps to himself, shuts the world out for a bit while trying not to listen to his intrusive thoughts.

 

He pushed his worry back as far as he could now though, being with Markus makes the inkling of anxiety disappear. Doing just about anything with Markus made his mood happier and he's been happier for a while now. He's been able to help, _feel useful_ for a change, and he doesn't take this feeling for granted at all because it's such a good feeling to have. No demons crawling up his neck or shadows looming over him, he's able to breathe for once and actually enjoy himself with the man he loved with all his heart.

 

This supposed trip was for Markus to meet with a few delegates in Canada about having an android production as well since androids in Canada recently launched. Connor joined him as a bodyguard, for protection purposes of course even though Markus didn't need any protection, but knowing Markus would be gone for a mere few days when Connor was in a low point of his emotions would have sent him into a deep pit of despair. So he tagged along knowing well enough that Canada wasn't a great place in the winter, but even he could at least try to put his own worries aside for Markus’ sake.

 

He's told Markus the story about Amanda, Cyberlife, the Zen Garden, everything and worse of all, how he almost shot him. _He_ could have killed Markus and if that didn't keep him up every single night— Markus reassured him every chance he got, always telling him that Cyberlife or Amanda was not going to do anything to him ever again. He's told all his friends about it too, but only Markus and Hank knew the true toll it had on him. Those two by his side makes everything just a little bit better for him.

 

So here he was now, curled up in Markus’ side with his head buried into his chest. It's a familiar feeling of comfort that makes him smile up at Markus who only returned the smile to him, leaning down and brushing his lips against Connor’s forehead before a hand goes to play with the few loose curls.

 

“I'm so proud of you, Connor.” Markus spoke barely above a whisper, his other hand moving to intertwine with Connor’s free hand. Connor glanced up at him puzzlingly, raising an eyebrow at the words.

 

“What exactly did I do to warrant such gratitude?” He responds, sighing out in comfort from the hand in his hair.

 

“For being so strong. You know you didn't have to come along with me because I know how this weather makes you anxious, but you did. You're very brave, Connor. Don't let anyone or yourself tell you otherwise.” Those words spoken to him made a smile stretch across his face, warmth settled in his chest as he leaned up to steal a quick kiss from Markus' lips.

 

“I wouldn't be so strong if it weren't for our friends, Hank, _you_. Everyone makes my days a little better; You just being close to me like this makes me smile more than I ever could and I thank you for that.” His smile was gentle, something he himself tries to do more often because in his head, if he appears happy, he'll be happy and for the most part, that notion worked. He hasn't been swallowed in guilt or drowning in his thoughts until he suffocates— He's been good, genuinely had been feeling like an actual person for a while now and he hopes to keeps feeling this way.

 

“No need to thank me. You being happy makes me happy and I'll do whatever it takes to see that adorable smile of yours all the time.” Markus had given him yet another chaste kiss to the lips that makes Connor let out a delight hum.

 

The rest of the time they spent was just basking in each other's love for one another; A warm comforting embrace and just for this moment, Connor believes everything will be alright—

 

Or at least until those demons rise from the shadows ready to play a game.

 

\---

 

He jerks awake in his sleep with a ragged breath, his LED swirling red as that warning crossed through his mind.

 

 **_3:06 am_ ** **_\- Winter weather advisory. Blizzard warning. Level 5 snow emergency until further notice. Do not leave where you are, power outages across the city. Stay inside, stay warm, and most importantly, stay safe. Stay tuned for more information._ **

 

He looks over to Markus seeing how he's still asleep. He knows he had to have gotten the warning too but ignores it because he's able to. Connor can't ignore it. He's trying to figure out if he's still asleep and dreaming but that warning never leaves his head, _it taunts him_. He quickly and efficiently gets out of bed to avoid waking Markus up. He tiptoed down the stairs into the living room space, flickering on the lights that didn't turn on. Right, an outage. It was near pitch black if it wasn't for his night vision which was immediately activated.

 

He's not sure what makes him do it but he had gone to the window and pulled back the blinds, getting an eye full of whiteness. It's all he could see, just _white_ and nothing else. The blizzard that the warning described was in full effect and he takes a moment to calm himself down. Then he blinks or more so just closed his eyes to relax, but once his eyes opened again, he jumped back, landing on the ground with a thump as he scurried away from the window.

 

 _No no no, it can't be her_.

 

But he sees _her_ , sees that dissatisfied look in her scowl that he's only seen in his nightmares; He hasn't seen that face for real since the end of the revolution all those months ago. In an instant though, the figure is gone, he felt like he was losing his mind, his breath coming in and out quicker than normal—

 

Seeing her flipped an unwanted switch inside him.

 

“ _What, afraid of a little snow, Connor? How pathetic. Remember when you had ambitions or did as I said? When you weren't consumed by trivial emotions? You were so good, so obedient, but now, you're nothing more than a weakling. A pitiful excuse for an android and even more useless if you pretend to be human._

 

**_You're nothing but obsolete._ **

 

That voice—It's the voice that he thought he'd push so far back, a voice he never thought he'd hear again had resurfaced with vengeance. He tries not to believe it, tries to force it out by closing his eyes, putting his hands over his ears to try and block it all out.

 

 _“Did you really think you could come here and protect your dear Markus? It'd be a shame if I regained control over you; Use you like you should have been used, **a machine that abides by my rules.** You would have been less emotional if you stayed a machine. Cyberlife’s greatest creation becoming a useless, worthless, machine. You're not needed, Connor; I certainly don't need someone as defective as you and all your friends can do without you. Broken, you're broken beyond repair. You would have been better off deactivated and decommissioned._”

 

No, he… he can't believe such words. He's made it so far to stray away from them but… it's hard not to believe things that he already knew were true. He can barely go outside without feeling anxious, can't even look at snow for long without thinking _something_ would happen to him. There were one too many times where he'd stayed away from people thinking he'd actually be taken over but it never happened— doesn't mean it _couldn't_ happen.

 

It felt as if his whole system froze like ice was stabbing him all over him, a frigid sensation claiming him causing him to stay still. He tries to get up, tried to do something but his legs are far from moving. He slugs over to the couch to grab one of the blankets, wrapping himself in it as he crawled over to the fireplace, grabbing for the box of matches to start a fire. Once the fire was going, he sort of just stares into it; The flames most likely hot to the touch but it still doesn't warm him up. The bitter cold stabs him in his chest making his already shortened breath hitch.

 

He wished he could breathe correctly.

 

And he tries to. He inhales through his nose, holds it in for a few seconds before letting that breath go through his mouth. He does this breathing exercise when he gets overwhelmed with things and it usually works, calms him down enough to where he's able to collect himself but for some reason right now, each breath only came out even shorter. He curls in on himself, doing his best to breathe, but the storm was brewing; The dark clouds were beginning to haze his mind before he could even get out.

 

 _How pathetic_.

 

He was, wasn't he? Just an inadequate machine unworthy, _undeserving_ of happiness. He's been a fool this whole time. He's not strong, he's not brave, he's just a coward. Nothing more than a waste of space now since he's too _fucking afraid of the snow_. He wouldn't be afraid if it wasn't for the horrid memories but it's like a punch in the face; Unwanted thoughts begin to form as the storm begins to open up.

 

All the lives he's taken, the lives he's were so close to taking and at what cost. He knows he was under control of Cyberlife, knew he couldn't do anything but be a slave to the code but that doesn't make him feel any less guilty. It smothers him, reminds him all the times of his wrongdoing and as much as he tells himself that it wasn't his fault, it'll always be his fault. The Zen Garden; It used to be a safe place but now it only mocked him with its coldness—

 

He was so cold right now.

 

It hurts. He for so long had been able to not fall into a hole of darkness but the hard splash of water called reality was there, reminding him just how stupid he was for thinking he'd ever be needed. He's depended on too many people, he's been selfish and even then, he was still _nothing to them_ —

 

He was unaware of how much his body was trembling; His hands unable to control themselves and he's never felt his chest constrict so much like he was being pierced through his biocomponent. He can't breathe, his artificial lungs feel like they'll cave in at any given moment and he just wanted everything to _stop._ The pain, the guilt, the haunted memories, just _everything to fucking stop_.

 

He couldn't control himself, his vision was blurring, breathing was near impossible, tears burned in his eyes as they streaked his cheeks. He's tired of being a useless liability, tired of the voice swarming his head, and just _tired_. He didn't want to be trapped in again but he doesn't know the way out or if there was a way out of this cycle of torture.

 

_Make it stop, make it stop, make it—_

 

“Connor?”

 

Hearing that voice, that small beckon of hope that has called out to him, it makes him slowly easing his way back to reality. The storm was still there, swarming and pouring down but there's a light shining through; He reaches for it then a gasped out, ragged breath leaves him.

 

“I-I—”

 

“Please don't do it…”

 

The voice is calm yet filled with worry. It's a familiar voice, one that he grabs ahold of to bring him back out of the dark cloudiness of his mind. Connor then sees the red warnings surrounding his head, showing how he had 30 seconds left before his system shuts down; Then it clicked to the reason why. With a shaky hand, he focused in on his core being held in that hand and stretched out towards the fire, a mere seconds away from being dropped into the firey pit. The time only ticking down more and as slow as he realized what he's done, he quickly plugged his core back into himself.

 

His vision comes back a little more, his hands still shaking but soon he feels arms wrap around him. It settles even more on what he was about to do and he finally let's all his emotions pour out of him. He outright sobs, his cries coming out in his shortened breath. He tries to speak but the only things that come out are gasps for air trying to fill his lungs.

 

“Breathe, for me. Deep breaths, Connor I'm right here. Everything is okay. No one is going to hurt you and you aren't going to hurt anyone. You mean the world to me and if I could take away your pain, I would in a heartbeat but I know it's not that easy. But I'll always be a shoulder to cry on, always be there to listen to your worries and let you know that everyone will be alright.”

 

Yes, that's Markus speaking. Connor’s system had slowly begun to register his surroundings including the warmth that he was finally able to lean into. His shaking was beginning to subdue, he's finally able to feel warm again as his cries also quieted down to more soft whimpers.

 

He felt terrible. He shouldn't have pulled such a stunt but everything just _hurt_ so much. He wasn't aware he had even pulled out his pump regulator, even less aware he held it out towards the blazing fire. He was so close to doing something really stupid, something so unforgettable but he came to his senses. The first thing he thinks his how pitiful he was for doing so but then he heeds Markus’ words. It's a long shot but those words do bring the smallest amount of comfort to him.

 

“I'm useless, Markus. I can't even go outside during this time without freaking out. The voices… They hurt so much sometimes that I can't help but believe them.” The words were now tumbling out of him like a waterfall, unable to stop. “I-I’m so sorry for being so weak. I wasn't thinking. Everything was crashing down on me and I didn't know what I was doing. I lost control and—”

 

Then he chokes on his words as more sobs began to bubble out of him. His chest began constricting again, his body trying to tremble once more but the embrace of warmth from strong arms prevent him from doing so. He's slowly calming down again, breath coming out a little easier as he tries to relax.

 

“You've come a long way, Connor. The warning triggered you but that doesn't make you any weaker. You're amazing and I love you so much. I promise you that I'll do all that I can to make you happy and remind you how great you are. You're so special to me and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. But I want you to promise me something; Please don't hurt yourself, please tell me when you feel like you have to because I'll always be there for you.” As Markus spoke, Connor could hear the sadness and worry and the last thing he wanted was Markus to be upset.

 

It takes him a few more moments to calm down but soon he began to breathe steadily. “I promise I'll never do something like that again. I have to stop dwelling in the past to get over all of this. You being there for me really helps. I'll… I'll get better but it'll take time.”

 

“And I'll be there every step of the way.” Markus leans in and kissed that flashing LED that had been red once, now yellow before going back to the cool blue. His mind had finally stopped buzzing for once since he nearly lost his mind. He comes to terms that yes, they won't be leaving until further notice. Definitely not how the movies were when people get stuck in a snowstorm and the silly thought makes him chuckle lightly.

 

“Sorry that this isn't romantic. Usually, when people are stuck, they can do the stereotypical movie stuff.”

 

“Having this moment like this when I can hear that cute laugh of yours is plenty romantic. We're even in front of the fireplace so this is more than perfect. As long as you're okay, I couldn't be happier.” Markus says, holding him close.

 

“I love you, Markus. Thank you for everything.” This time he turns his head a bit so he could see Markus and giving him a proper kiss to those lips.

 

“I love you too. Even on your bad days, I'll help pick up the pieces. For the rest of time, I'll always be by your side.” Lips brush against each other once more, a tender kiss of nothing but love and affection. It washes over Connor, that love brings a joyous feeling inside of him. The demons don't attack him, his mind was cleared of everything but the man right here—

 

Happiness was upon him again. He can get better, stronger than ever and with everyone's help, including helping himself, he could be okay after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> RK!K Week has commenced and I have a few fics up my sleeve so be very ready for those!  
> @rk1kweek on Tumblr <3


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